We need autonomous bicycles!

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• We need autonomous bicycles!
• This is how it goes safely through traffic
• Total surveillance – it will be worth it
• These are the bike trends for 2017

We need autonomous bicycles!

Freedom is nice, but security comes first. We therefore call for the introduction of autonomous bicycles and the monitoring of cyclists

Source: Getty Images / Aurora Creative

Why is everything just concentrating on the car when it comes to autonomous driving systems and aids?? Bicycles are much easier to equip and offer plenty of potential for optimization.

A.utonomous cars are – at least in socialist-ecological dreams – not only a fantastically safe thing, but also the best opportunity in the history of mankind to control and direct the rebellious subjects. The only problem: Cars are quite complex and, last but not least, relatively fast – if not for long.

The solution is obvious: let’s start where the speeds are more manageable. So we need autonomous ones Cycles and totally monitored pedestrians and as quickly as possible, the dangers lurk everywhere.

Who does not know that: Especially in green-social-democratic urban districts, voters like to rave about the cobblestones because it looks “totally beautiful” and is incredibly cozy. It also slows down the bad drivers, which is always good.

However, as soon as these fellow citizens sit on the most ecologically correct means of transport, the bicycle, they quickly notice the unpleasant side effects the picturesque pavement has on body and mind, which is why most of them immediately switch to the sidewalk. Here they knock off the other ecologically-minded voters who are rushing out of the house because the organic baker is about to close.

This is how it goes safely through traffic

As soon as the cycling season begins, there are more serious accidents caused by collisions with motor vehicles. In Berlin, the police provide information about safe cycling and the risks involved in turning. Source: N24 / Mick Locher

How nice would it be if the bicycle automatically recognized the approach of the hurrying pedestrian and initiated gentle emergency braking along with a clear bell signal? Very nice? I thought so.

Quite a few people are already walking with smartwatches and fitness armbands through the city. It should be easy to equip these devices with GPS transmitters, vibration alarms and mobile phone cards.

The mini-transmitters then work conveniently not only on foot, but also on skateboards, bicycles or on buses and trains. As soon as another person approaches within a few meters, it hums and autonomizes whatever it takes.

Total surveillance – it will be worth it

The bikes themselves could come with light sensors, automatic bells, GPS transmitters, and five hundred and eighty-three airbags be equipped. The surcharge for such a bike will be quickly made up for by the generous bonuses that health insurance and liability insurance will certainly be happy to distribute. It is worth it!

Every local politician knows that freedom is dangerous and security always comes first. Anyone who strives for the greatest possible security and has little confidence in human intelligence quickly realizes that there can only be one solution: total surveillance, around the clock.

These are the bike trends for 2017

The latest trend are so-called gravel bikes – racing bikes for off-road use. For many, the bike is evidently more than a means of transport, but also an attitude towards life and an expression of one’s own personality. Source: N24 / Peter Haentjes

Nothing can be excluded. In the future, we will equip baby diapers with the appropriate systems ourselves, not to mention dog collars and teenagers’ braces.

Then all we have to do is abolish freedom of expression so that, despite our physical integrity, we don’t accidentally hurt any feelings. But we are already well on our way there too, do not worry.

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